he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
