i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
