so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
