I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Randomize
