you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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