my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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