During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
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