It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
