final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
