We need to start having sex underwater more often.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
