I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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