If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
