I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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