At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
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