Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
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