When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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