I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
