i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
