guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
