I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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