There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
