Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
