Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
