Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
