Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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