I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
