Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
