if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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