I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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