Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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