At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
