Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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