walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
