I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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