Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
