Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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