onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Is it because I queefed?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Randomize
