I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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