U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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