The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
