I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's always time for handjobs
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
