I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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