I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
