"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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