This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize