Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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