Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
