its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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