I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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