You're completely useless in the revolution.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
