well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
