I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
