I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Shame - the story of my life.
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