i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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