we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
