god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
