Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
