Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
