What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
