i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Dignity is for republicans.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
