I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
